In psychology, “avoidants” usually refers to people with an avoidant attachment style. This is a strategy the brain develops—often in childhood—to deal with emotional needs when they aren’t being met by caregivers.
Essentially, avoidant individuals learn that “relying on others is unsafe or disappointing,” so they decide to rely entirely on themselves.
- Key Characteristics
- Hyper-Independence: They pride themselves on not needing anyone. “I’m fine on my own” is their mantra.
- Deactivating Strategies: When a relationship gets too close or intense, they subconsciously “shut down.” This might look like ghosting, becoming overly critical of a partner, or focusing on work to create distance.
- Emotional Walls: They often intellectualize their feelings rather than feeling them. You might hear them say, “I don’t see why this is such a big deal,” because vulnerability feels like a threat to their safety.
- The “Suppression” Paradox: On the outside, they seem cool, calm, and collected. However, studies show that during conflict, their heart rate and cortisol levels are often just as high as “anxious” types—they just have a very high-tech “mask” that hides it.
- Why do they act this way?
It’s usually a defense mechanism. Most avoidants grew up with caregivers who were:
- Emotionally unavailable: The child learned that crying or expressing needs resulted in being ignored or told to “tough it out.”
- Overwhelming: Sometimes, a parent is so intrusive that the child learns to withdraw just to find some “breathing room” and autonomy.
- Common Relationship Patterns
- The “Push-Pull”: They are often very charming at the start of a relationship. But as soon as the “I love you” phase or talk of moving in begins, they may suddenly feel “suffocated” and pull away.
- Preference for Casual: They often prefer short-term flings or long-distance relationships because these have built-in boundaries that prevent “too much” intimacy.
- The Phantom Ex: They sometimes obsess over a “perfect” past partner or an idealized “future” partner to avoid being fully present and vulnerable with the person they are currently with.
How to Interact with an Avoidant
If you have an avoidant person in your life (or are one yourself), the most important thing to understand is that distance = safety for them. - Give them space: If they pull away, chasing them usually makes them run faster. Letting them come back on their own terms builds trust.
- Focus on “I” statements: Instead of saying “You always shut me down,” try “I feel a bit disconnected when we don’t talk for a few days.”
- Celebrate small wins: An avoidant saying “I had a hard day” is a huge act of vulnerability for them.
Note: Being avoidant isn’t a “flaw”—it’s a survival skill that just happens to be less effective in adult romantic relationships. With self-awareness and therapy, many avoidants move toward a secure attachment style.